One of the most complex things about stuttering is its variability. Some days I can be so fluent that you wouldn't even know I stutter, and other days it is very obvious. That is very frsutrating for me, and I am sure it can be just as frustrating for the SLP new to working with someone who stutters. I am most inclined to want to deal with my stuttering or at least talk about it after I have had a difficult time. Then I am more emotional about it. Let me share an example.
Yesterday, I had a work meeting with my boss and several other colleagues to discuss design changes for our recruitment catalog. The meeting was about 90 minutes and I was almost totally fluent. I felt good. I also tend to focus more on my speech when in situations where I feel I will be judged. In meetings like these, I project my voice more.For some reason, I feel like I am "performing" and my fluency remains steady.
Right after this meeting, I had a picnic to attend. I sit on the Board of Directors for a non-profit organization and they were having their annual employee recognition event. One of the first persons I saw was my former supervisor from when I worked there. We made small talk and I realized I was stuttering quite well! He didn't care, as we had talked about it very openly when I was employed there. But I cared! I couldn't help thinking, "what's going on? I am very comfortable with this guy, yet I am stuttering more with him than I have all day!"
As I headed into the pavilion area and saw many more people that I knew and hadn't seen for a while, the same thing happened. I was stuttering quite noticeably with just about everyone. It was a very strange feeling. I felt self-conscious. I hadn't seen a lot of these folks in quite a while and just saying hi and giving hugs was emotional.
I wonder if I stuttered more at this event because people know I stutter and I felt I had license to just be me and let loose. Or maybe because the situation was very casual and comfortable. I thought about it on the way home and felt some emotions rise. I felt like I had been two different people in the course of just several hours. Which one was really me?
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This is a very interesting story, seems in class we've learned that usually the demands placed on the speaker has an effect on their fluency. Maybe, the emotion that you experienced while trying to catch up with many old friends, in a short time, put more demands on you than the meeting!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the feedback and speculation. Stuttering is so situational, and it can vary per individual from hour to hour, situation to situation. But yes, I think the emotions impacted on my ability to maintain my usual easy and relaxed stuttering.
ReplyDeleteIts good that your class is getting the opp to learn both from class, reading and insights from experts, those of us who stutter.
Thank you for sharing your story. I think it is great that you are able to identify in what settings you feel your stuttering is occuring more often. For some other individuals who stutter, they may not be able to assess as easily. Have you tried carrying over the same technique in the meeting into other environments and when interacting with others?
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