Faking Stuttering

A few of the blogs I follow and the stuttering community on Face book recently mentioned the episode of “Glee” about a character who stutters. It is a new TV show that started this season about a high school glee club. The members of the glee club are so different, its amazing that collectively they are able to produce beautiful harmony and music together. But that is what makes diversity so important, right?

I tuned in to the series midway, and watched the episode where the character who stuttered revealed that she had actually been faking it for several years so that she could get out of having to do an oral presentation in class. I never expected that. (Of course, having missed the previous episodes, I had no idea what build up, if any, had been given to the stuttering story line). The character in the wheelchair obviously never expected either that she would reveal that she had pretended to stutter. He had thought they were kindred spirits, both sharing a difference. It gave them something special in common, he thought. (You can catch the episode on www.hulu.com -it was the one on 11/18/2009).

I thought about this issue of faking a stutter. I didn’t like that stuttering was portrayed this way in the show. I would have preferred that she really stuttered, so that we could have a popular television show include a positive portrayal of stuttering. I watched the show this week, and heard the character sing. She was remarkable, and it would have been great to have that story line play out, as many people who stutter can sing beautifully without stuttering. Interestingly, no mention was made at all about her having revealed her fake stuttering.

This character obviously used voluntary stuttering to make it seem she really stuttered. Hers was very mild. I have also used voluntary stuttering, but to advertise my stuttering and as a desensitization tool. So, another way to use voluntary stuttering? I wouldn't recommend it!

As I reflected more on “faking it”, I realized that I was doing the exact same thing for many years with my covert stuttering. I was trying to fake being fluent, so that I could pass myself off as something I was not. Even now, I still find myself faking it sometimes. Meaning that in some situations, I will not disclose that I stutter. Especially if I am having a very fluent day, or more importantly, it is a situation where I feel I will be judged negatively if I let the “stuttering me” out. Wait a minute! Is that the same thing? Is that faking it, or is it just me managing my stuttering so I will be comfortable in certain situations?

Giving Yourself Permission to Change

I had a really great meeting last week in therapy. One of the graduate SLP students that I am working with this semester took a big risk and and confronted me on something that I have been struggling with. That's why it is SO important to have a "right relationship" with your client, so that risks and important discussions can happen.

Just as a covert stutterer has to give herself permission to stutter openly, we also have to give our selves permission to change.

Check out this video. I talk about what I learned, how significantly it impacted me and how change is a process, a life long one that we MUST be open to.

Link to video! Let me know what you think! (feel free to rate the video too - the star system).

Doing What I Thought I Couldn't

One of the things that I had always wanted to do was teach. But I thought I couldn't because of stuttering. When choosing a career path in college, I remember thinking that teaching was out of the question. It would require too much talking and who would want to hear a stutterer? So I chose a field that I thought would entail less talking- social work. Well, it didn't quite turn out to be less talking, because as we know, social workers/counselors talk to people every day. I had thought that at least I wouldn't have to stand up in front of groups and talk, and risk stuttering.

Now, some twenty years later, I am doing exactly what I thought I could never do, and in a way, I am teaching. I consider myself to be very lucky. I have put myself in a position to be talking to different groups about the stuttering experience and acceptance. And I really love doing it. It is a way for me to give and do volunteer work about something I am passionate about. Over the last two years, I have facilitated several workshops and presentations on acceptance of stuttering and how we can manage it in our lives. Something I never would have dreamed was possible. And I don't have to be a certified teacher to teach.

Two weeks ago, I helped to present a 6 hour workshop to speech language pathologists, with two other people who stutter (Dr. Klein was one of them). Our workshop covered therapy approaches for pre-school and older kids and teens, and adult considerations. I covered the section on adult issues and spent considerable time discussing covert stuttering. There were over 120 SLPs in attendance,and we received excellent feedback about our presentation. The day proved that there needs to be a partnership between professionals and people who live the stuttering experience.

Two days ago, I participated in a NSA Youth Day in Syracuse NY. I volunteered to present a workshop for parents. As it turned out, me and my friend Joe (Klein) actually co-facilitated the presentation for a group that included both parents, students and professional SLPs. This was one of the most moving experiences I have had. We talked about stuttering being OK and acceptance. Parents shared their worries and fears and their hopes for their kids. Some shared that this was their first experience talking openly about stuttering, and hearing adults who stutter do so freely. Parents commented that they wished they had knew about resources like this long ago.

Some parents openly showed emotion throughout, and especially when we had everyone practice voluntary stuttering. For some parents, it was the first time they had experienced what their child experienced. Two moms who had just met practiced voluntary stuttering with each other and both were visibly moved and teary eyed. They felt a powerful connection. We then finished with having everyone try a Chinese finger trap and feel how it feels to get stuck during a block. It was a good way to end the adult workshop. We had all shared powerful emotional moments with each other. I felt very proud and honored to be a part of that with my friend Joe and new friends from Syracuse.

The kids joined the adults as we concluded the day and shared with us what they had worked on during their workshop. Some of these kids had NOT wanted to be at this workshop. Their parents had strongly encouraged them to come. The kids made a video of what its' like to stutter in public and get made fun of. It was amazing to see this, and listen as the kids excitedly answered questions about how they worked together to act this out. The kids were grinning from ear to ear. They had learned something about their own stuttering on this sunny Saturday. And the looks of pride on the adult faces was unmistakable.

A mom came up to me as we were leaving and asked if it was OK to give me a hug. She said she always thought it was her job to fix her kid. She said she feels relief to know that acceptance can be part of her job too. My eyes welled up along with hers.

Yep, it was a great way to spend a Saturday. I feel lucky to be a part of something I never thought I could do. All the smiles and tears will stay with me for a long time.

Covert Stuttering

Just had a quick conversation with a Twitter friend from UK who is experiencing discomfort as she comes out of the covert closet. Covert stuttering is near and dear to my heart, as I was an expert at hiding my stutter from the world. Lisa has been doing that too, for many years. But she is now taking small steps towards being more open and letting herself Be who she is.

She asked tonight, "Where do I belong, covert or overt? Cause there's no place in between, help. Feeling lost!"

I so know that feeling, being caught between two worlds. Like you don't fit in with the people who stutter openly and can't hide it even if they tried. And you don't fit in with fluent speakers either. So you feel lost, sort of in a nowhere place.

Professionals who will work with coverts really need to understand how emotionally complex this can feel. You feel no one understands. Lisa is experiencing growth in leaps and bounds, but it is also scary. Very scary, because it feels like you are abandoning the person you knew for someone you haven't met yet.

I talked about the covert stuttering experience at a workshop I did earlier in the week with Dr Klein and another SLP who stutters, Steve Marchant. A lot of the SLPs in the audience were incredulous that coverts can so well hide their stuttering and be so good at passing as fluent.

A fellow PWS who is also a current member of Fluency Council wrote a great piece on covert stuttering for this month's council newsletter. In it, he describes covert stuttering as a perfectly acceptable management technique towards more fluent speech. He does not believe it is hiding at all. He likens covert stuttering to wearing eye glasses if you need to correct your vision or a hearing aide if you are deaf. He simply substitutes feared words for easier words to correct his stuttered speech.

I know where my friend Lisa is coming from. It can be lonely and scary confronting what you have denied for years. Stuttering is not just stuttered speech.

What do you think? How would you advise Lisa?