For all the years I stayed covert, so did the actual topic of my stuttering within my family. It was taboo, not talked about. I guess everyone felt, including me, that if it wasn't talked about, it wasn't really there. Big time denial!
Since coming out and being open about my stuttering, it has mostly been with non-family members. But I have been able to talk with my sister Kim from time to time. We talked about stuttering Friday night. She called me at 1:30 in the morning with a computer problem (not unusual). The talk led to the presentation I had done last week at the parents group. She asked me about it. I told her I had recorded parts of it, and she could see it on YouTube.
So she watched it while still on phone with me. Kim then said she was so proud of me. She says it is "so cool" that I am opening myself up like this and inspiring others. She then went on to say that God made me with a stutter, and it is beautiful and unique. She said all the rest of the world talks like her, but I get to stutter. By that point, I had tears streaming down my face.
That was worth staying up until 2:30 in the morning for!
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Differences Are Universal
A friend from Toastmasters invited me to speak at the monthly meeting of her parents group. Shayna has heard me talk about stuttering, and stutter, many times at our club meetings. She thought my story was inspirational and wanted me to share my message with her group.
We agreed that I could use my story of trying to hide stuttering and relate it to how acceptance of differences promotes tolerance and community.
I was especially nervous about this talk because my friend is Orthodox Jewish and I would need to be observant of the group's very conservative views. The talk was to be at their community Hebrew Day School. Shayna has taught me about many of her religious customs and traditions, and I had previously attended the wedding reception of her daughter. So I was familiar with how I should dress and with the fact men and women do not shake hands upon introduction.
But I was still nervous. I wanted to make a good impression, and not do anything that would seriously breach any Jewish customs. And I really wanted to be honest and open about stuttering and its impact on my life.
Well, it turned out just fine. The group welcomed me and were genuinely interested in my story. I could tell by their great questions. I spoke for almost an hour, and felt very relaxed and at ease.
Shayna's husband was kind enough to use my camera to take a few pics. He also used the video function to record several different clips. I hadn't realized he was going to do that! I took the clips and stringed them together and posted this about the talk. I had some good stuttering, and it was OK. They asked me to come back and talk to their high school students!
Excerpts of Pam's talk to Parent Group 9/23/2009
We agreed that I could use my story of trying to hide stuttering and relate it to how acceptance of differences promotes tolerance and community.
I was especially nervous about this talk because my friend is Orthodox Jewish and I would need to be observant of the group's very conservative views. The talk was to be at their community Hebrew Day School. Shayna has taught me about many of her religious customs and traditions, and I had previously attended the wedding reception of her daughter. So I was familiar with how I should dress and with the fact men and women do not shake hands upon introduction.
But I was still nervous. I wanted to make a good impression, and not do anything that would seriously breach any Jewish customs. And I really wanted to be honest and open about stuttering and its impact on my life.
Well, it turned out just fine. The group welcomed me and were genuinely interested in my story. I could tell by their great questions. I spoke for almost an hour, and felt very relaxed and at ease.
Shayna's husband was kind enough to use my camera to take a few pics. He also used the video function to record several different clips. I hadn't realized he was going to do that! I took the clips and stringed them together and posted this about the talk. I had some good stuttering, and it was OK. They asked me to come back and talk to their high school students!
Excerpts of Pam's talk to Parent Group 9/23/2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Stuttering in School
Now here's something really profound. It is not always easy to stutter publicly. People's reactions are as unpredictable as my stuttering is.
I work in a high school, which is challenging enough. Add to the mix some stuttering and it feels like a roller coaster ride some days. Anyway, part of my job is to train all the students in the building on sexual harassment prevention. Its a big job for one person. There's about 500 students in the building, half there in the morning, the other half in the afternoon.
The only way one person can get this done is class by class, so a whole bunch of presentations. So I am talking to kids about negative sexual attention all day. And kids get giggly when we talk about this! Sometimes I have trouble with "s" words, which sex and sexual both begin with. And it would be stupid to try and substitute those words - it just wouldn't make any sense.
So I have muddled through this week, doing fairly well, managing the stuttering. But today, I was having a stuttery day and "sexual" was not easy to say. Some kids were giggling as I stuttered on the word. It was coming out "se-se-se-se-sex-u-u-ual".
One kid shouted, "don't worry miss, no need to get nervous about saying sex. We know even older people have it."
Whoa, even I had to laugh at that one! The whole class did. We were laughing together, and it was OK.
I work in a high school, which is challenging enough. Add to the mix some stuttering and it feels like a roller coaster ride some days. Anyway, part of my job is to train all the students in the building on sexual harassment prevention. Its a big job for one person. There's about 500 students in the building, half there in the morning, the other half in the afternoon.
The only way one person can get this done is class by class, so a whole bunch of presentations. So I am talking to kids about negative sexual attention all day. And kids get giggly when we talk about this! Sometimes I have trouble with "s" words, which sex and sexual both begin with. And it would be stupid to try and substitute those words - it just wouldn't make any sense.
So I have muddled through this week, doing fairly well, managing the stuttering. But today, I was having a stuttery day and "sexual" was not easy to say. Some kids were giggling as I stuttered on the word. It was coming out "se-se-se-se-sex-u-u-ual".
One kid shouted, "don't worry miss, no need to get nervous about saying sex. We know even older people have it."
Whoa, even I had to laugh at that one! The whole class did. We were laughing together, and it was OK.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Which One Was Really Me?
One of the most complex things about stuttering is its variability. Some days I can be so fluent that you wouldn't even know I stutter, and other days it is very obvious. That is very frsutrating for me, and I am sure it can be just as frustrating for the SLP new to working with someone who stutters. I am most inclined to want to deal with my stuttering or at least talk about it after I have had a difficult time. Then I am more emotional about it. Let me share an example.
Yesterday, I had a work meeting with my boss and several other colleagues to discuss design changes for our recruitment catalog. The meeting was about 90 minutes and I was almost totally fluent. I felt good. I also tend to focus more on my speech when in situations where I feel I will be judged. In meetings like these, I project my voice more.For some reason, I feel like I am "performing" and my fluency remains steady.
Right after this meeting, I had a picnic to attend. I sit on the Board of Directors for a non-profit organization and they were having their annual employee recognition event. One of the first persons I saw was my former supervisor from when I worked there. We made small talk and I realized I was stuttering quite well! He didn't care, as we had talked about it very openly when I was employed there. But I cared! I couldn't help thinking, "what's going on? I am very comfortable with this guy, yet I am stuttering more with him than I have all day!"
As I headed into the pavilion area and saw many more people that I knew and hadn't seen for a while, the same thing happened. I was stuttering quite noticeably with just about everyone. It was a very strange feeling. I felt self-conscious. I hadn't seen a lot of these folks in quite a while and just saying hi and giving hugs was emotional.
I wonder if I stuttered more at this event because people know I stutter and I felt I had license to just be me and let loose. Or maybe because the situation was very casual and comfortable. I thought about it on the way home and felt some emotions rise. I felt like I had been two different people in the course of just several hours. Which one was really me?
Yesterday, I had a work meeting with my boss and several other colleagues to discuss design changes for our recruitment catalog. The meeting was about 90 minutes and I was almost totally fluent. I felt good. I also tend to focus more on my speech when in situations where I feel I will be judged. In meetings like these, I project my voice more.For some reason, I feel like I am "performing" and my fluency remains steady.
Right after this meeting, I had a picnic to attend. I sit on the Board of Directors for a non-profit organization and they were having their annual employee recognition event. One of the first persons I saw was my former supervisor from when I worked there. We made small talk and I realized I was stuttering quite well! He didn't care, as we had talked about it very openly when I was employed there. But I cared! I couldn't help thinking, "what's going on? I am very comfortable with this guy, yet I am stuttering more with him than I have all day!"
As I headed into the pavilion area and saw many more people that I knew and hadn't seen for a while, the same thing happened. I was stuttering quite noticeably with just about everyone. It was a very strange feeling. I felt self-conscious. I hadn't seen a lot of these folks in quite a while and just saying hi and giving hugs was emotional.
I wonder if I stuttered more at this event because people know I stutter and I felt I had license to just be me and let loose. Or maybe because the situation was very casual and comfortable. I thought about it on the way home and felt some emotions rise. I felt like I had been two different people in the course of just several hours. Which one was really me?
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Will I Be OK With It?
I had a big presentation at work yesterday, and want to share my reactions/feelings about how it went. For some reason, I was not able to copy and paste successfully, so I am sharing the link to the post I wrote for my other blog. This is a wonderful way to get you to read that too.
It is important for you to read about and hear stuttering experiences from someone who stutters, and sometimes tries not to. It will make you a better clinician!
Anyway, here's the link. Please let me know what you think!
http://stutterrockstar.wordpress.com/2009/09/03/will-i-be-ok-with-it/
It is important for you to read about and hear stuttering experiences from someone who stutters, and sometimes tries not to. It will make you a better clinician!
Anyway, here's the link. Please let me know what you think!
http://stutterrockstar.wordpress.com/2009/09/03/will-i-be-ok-with-it/
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